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Q: Arranged marriages and broken hearts, what is the right decision
Here is the story:
A foreigner moved to China to live with his 5-year relationship gf and marry her.
While living here, he went through minor financial issues. The gf who lives for work
in a different city moved some of her stuff to the bf's apartment then went to her hometown
for the CNY. And lo, she got trapped into an aunt's house (a different city), was introduced
to a rich guy, and forced to marry the guy NOW. Meanwhile, her beloved mother spread the word around other relatives in different cities about the forthcoming marriage. Eventually she has refused because she loves her foreign
bf at an extent that goes beyond reason sometimes. Haven't heard her daughter's refusal the mother fell sick (or pretends?), the whole family got upset, the girl in torments.
Finally, she gave up and has decided to accept the arranged marriage.
What can the foreigner do in such situation? What can the girl do? Is there anything to do to save the true and self-nurtured love of the two genuine lovers?
The foreigner can accept that this is the way of things "This Is China" and learn from the experience. The girl, and she is truly just a girl, can understand that she is not a person but a commodity to be sold and traded as her parents see fit.
Although Chinese parents prefer a male offspring, they're certainly seeing the financial benefits of having a daughter to sell to the highest bidder.
ambivalentmace:
the female and family wanting financial security, yea , i get it, same thing for thousand of years. but what i dont get , nobody ever investigates the rich guy, did he earn the money , inherit the money , corruption, work hard for the money.
thank god im not a female, diamonds are rocks in the ground , a piece of dirt does not impress me, but i would want a person with integrity , rich or not. most rich people i meet won the lottery of life , but the ones who work for it are the ones i respect and would be glad to have in my family. it will be interesting if i live long enough to see if the kids of wealth in china preserve or blow the money like other countries rich kids.
some girl marries a rich guy on daddys dime and he is broke at 40 and to lazy to get a job, thanks mom for suggesting the rich guy , great advise
It sounds very much,like you are the girl in the story,REFUSE to marry the rich man,follow your heart,it may cause trouble in the short term,but good things need time to grow
Bap:
Paul, thanks for your advice. I am not the girl. The news came as a blow and as a friend, I am still in shock seen the sacrifices the guy did moving here, seen the unconditional love of the girl for him, seen all their life projects shared to us, friends etc., everything thrown like an egg on the floor.
"Right decision" doesn't exist... there is only 'better' or 'worse' for one particular desired outcome.
This is merely a clash of old culture and new... and generation gaps.
Most people from overseas (Europe, Nth America, Aus/NZ etc) value an individual's freedom (learned after centuries of putting the 'needs' of the community before the individual). Many other, generally agricultural-based societies, place more value on the community/society/family, and the individual's desires/needs are sublimated for the 'greater good'.
Europe went through this a couple of centuries ago (and, in some cases, still had similar attitudes last century - and, it still sometimes happens even in our 'western' culture)... China is getting it now! We all know how this will end... the only question is - when?
There is a simple lesson Chinese parents need to learn. If they force anything upon their Children they will loose them. In this case, forced marriage, surely there must be a law against this. I am pretty sure the person at the marriage office would need to make sure that both parties enter the marriage voluntarily.
crimochina:
this is china. the law either directly backs the parents when controlling children or indirectly gives parents the means to control their children (hukou). women have less rights then men.
Scandinavian:
the law doesn't have to be right, heck my own country had a law that kept farmers farming. It was canceled in 1788.
there are actually talk about houku reform, and a city has tried to loosen houku rules (don't remember which city though) with the result that everyone moved to the cities, farming slowed to a grind, property developers sucked up the land and everyone was worse off.
"Follow your heart"? Stupid piece of advice! If you don't know the facts, if your heart is wrong, if, if, if! Get with the real world, Chinese parents want the highest return on their "investment". They don't believe in "ture love" (Chinese spelling), they don't believe in "feelings". It's all pragmatic - a rich husband for their daughter means "face." If the marriage goes belly-up, there's a nice settlement. Win-win.
Do you really expect to be able to fight this, show the parents logic against this or otherwise change the "take all that you can grab" mentality of Chinese parents?
My own marriage was not agreed upon by the mother of my wife (unless I paid in excess of 100K RMB) and til this day - nearly five years later, I have to put up with the snide comments about how her life (my wife's) could have been so much better is only she'd married a rich Chinese guy (read: my mother-in-law's life would have been so much better if her daughter would have married a rich Chinese guy).
Paul Martin, don't be afraid to learn the culture and get to grips with the reality of today's China. You're throwing eggs at rocks.
Scandinavian:
but would your wife had had a been better if you were not in it ?
Hey Scandinavian: Sorry I still cannot post comments (does anyone in Admin ever do anything to solve this problem?
Perhaps. But I'll tell you this I'd be better off if I would have just bailed and let her mother have her way. Don't get me wrong - I love my wife and kids to no end - but my life would certainly be easier and a lot less complicated if I would have stood down and found someone else. I could have maintained the lifestyle that I had become accustomed to (go where I want, when I want...do what I want when and how I wanted to do it). I could choose the job I wanted, in the city that I wanted...left both if things were not the way they were portended to be.
Off topic, sorry. One must realize that you will not win against the way that things are. If you're independently wealthy, sure, you've got less of a problem (except that you're still not Chinese).
When you marry a Chinese girl, traditionally, you're marrying a virgin who'll bring "face" to your family. You're paying the bride fee because she'll have nothing to do with her own family after the marriage. Today, your chances of marrying a virgin are slim, and she'll still feel pressured to supporting her family. You're expected to have a car (impossible 20 years ago) and an apartment (paid for by the work unit 20 years ago).
Do today's college grads have such things? Not if they're the regular Wangs. The boy's family will borrow money and go into (further) debt to achieve the necessary level of "face".
Where does it all end? It doesn't.
Back to the subject at hand: a foreigner woos a Chinese girl whose parents choose someone else for her. The foreigner's intentions matter not. The parents have found ready and easy money to be made. They're taken care of. When they die, it's not their problem any more.
Is this right, ethical, moral? Who's to judge (apparently Paul Martin feels qualified in this area)? This is China and this is the way of things. Such is life, suck it up and move on.
you have 2 options.
if you want to be free to make your own choices, find a way out of china. and don't look back
if not, then marry the rich loser and find a foreign guy on the side. hope the turd is abusive and then document the abuse online , divorce him and take half his money.
Yeah, this almost happened to me. My wife refused to accept another man's hand in marriage despite being offered a substantial amount of money. She married me instead, and the situation ended with her parents and brother trying to kill our unborn baby, and me beating the hell out of them (self-defense).
This is China. Get the hell out of here, and go somewhere normal. Most Chinese women aren't worth the damn trouble... I'm sorry. If her parents don't agree, just save yourself the heartache and never look back. My situation is an exception among exceptions, and is not the norm... I almost lost her and our baby.
Again, this is China. Nobody cares about anyone except themselves. The parents will get a nice dowry, and they really, really want that money. Bound by a sense of duty and honor drilled in them since the day they were born, it's very unlikely a woman is going to go against her family's wishes.
Even Africa gave up those practices as far as I have learnt it. China is challenging the West now, so those kind of things needs to be looked upon in regards to individuals freedom of choice. Basic...
