I feel a little sad for our basement-dwelling friends. They try so earnestly to be foreign, while struggling with word quotas, a very poor rate of pay, and social and mental retardation. Possibly as a result of the latter, they never seem to learn. Even since the glory days of Silva, wumaos have not cottoned on to the basic elements of style that are necessary when posing as a foreigner.

This article tries to address the most immediate issues that wumaos need to consider. This forum, and the world in general, deserves a higher standard of paid nationalist drones. Time will tell if my efforts pay off.

1. Introducing Yourself

If your username contains a Western name or other indicator of Western-ness, and your first few posts namedrop Western themes (like tampons, blonde hair, or being from America or “Europe”) you have already marked yourself as an imposter. Don’t do it. Introduce yourself innocuously by answering questions (see below). If your first post says “As a blonde European girl, where can I find tampons?”, you’re gone.

2. Fitting In
Regular posters have a comparatively large number of answers posted compared to questions posted (they have a comparatively large something else too - don’t be embarrassed, it’s genetic). This is because their primary interest is participating in discussions, rather than drawing attention to their foreign cred.

The question-to-answer ratio of normal users is usually around 1:20 (ranging anywhere up to 1:100).

The question-to-answer ratio of trolls (uniqlo), retarded children (Vicky) and wumaos (GarrettAbbott) is usually about 1:3.

Posting numerous topics mentioning that you are "American" immediately marks you as Chinese. I, for example, didn't start out by posting "As an Australian foreigner in China, where can I find a shrimp to chuck on the barbie?" To be accepted as a legitimate poster, you need to tone down the claims of foreignness, and instead participate in conversations and express opinions (uh oh). This is where you will run into real difficulty.

3. Personality
This is the most serious (possibly insurmountable) obstacle you face when passing yourself off as “foreign”. You don’t have a personality. Expats have loads of experience, which they have subsumed into their sense of self. As such they express independent opinions, based on confidently and autonomously interpreting the world. It is impossible to imitate personality by reciting what you think are "regular" Western opinions. Western opinions are individualistic, nuanced and diverse, as opposed to prescribed by groupthink.

4. Lingo
Do not attempt to use American, Australian, or any other regional colloquialisms. It’s a dead giveaway. Colloquialisms are only used in verbal communication, and appear very awkward in writing. On an internet forum, a true blue fair dinkum Aussie like me only uses Australian lingo in a comical, self-referential way (drawing attention to the obviously silly words themselves). If I slip an Australianism into a sentence, it is a joke. It is not how Australians actually communicate in writing.

You can’t use colloquialisms to blend in. Whatever your wumao trainer told you about “establishing Western credibility on an internet forum” is bullshit. Punch him in the dick.

In fact - the belief that regional words are enough to confuse a foreigner absolutely typifies Chinese nationalists' utter lack of awareness.

5. Consider your End Goal
Is the entire purpose of this elaborate setup to eventually be accepted as an authentic foreigner and then start posting pro-Chinese topics, as though your foreign credibility will make people accept them? Once you are accepted as legit (though curiously devoid of personality), do you think people will value and respect your opinions?

Bad news.

The moment you start spouting pro-China bullshit, you’re gone. It was all for naught. The whole setup falls apart the moment you express a stupid, nationalistic opinion.

Unlike Chinese people (who assess the validity of an opinion on the person's race) we "foreigners" assess the validity of an opinion on the opinion itself. This is because we have the capacity for analysis, and are not constrained by national and ethnic loyalty.

Your idea that "foreign" people favour foreign opinions is based on the assumption that foreigners are a self-identifying group consisting of 80% of the world's population, unified by not being Chinese. Sigh.

Long story short - You will NEVER convince an expat of any of your government's Communist nonsense. Because we live here and can see things with our eyes. So, like, bye?