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Posts: 19

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Q: Is maturity a big problem in Chinese-expat relationships?

I'm currently seeing a girl who I really like. We've been together for maybe a year now I think? Anyways, we live together, things are serious, and we're at the point where we're considering taking things further. My only problem is that while I love the girl to death, the one thing holding me back from going further is she's still really immature, even though she's 26. I just don't feel 'safe' going forward knowing that. I need a partner I can lean on from time to time, someone who can help me if we stay together in life. I mean, life is already tough as it is, and if I start a family, I don't want to feel like I'm the only adult.

 

Obviously communication is key, and this Q&A isn't the best place to discuss this, but I've tried getting the point across with her and it's been tough. She's got a really hot temper and when angered can go into a silent sulk that'll last a while, which is EXACTLY what I hate. So I've made two (loving, patient) attempts at trying to tell her how I feel, and it only resulting in a sulk. Now, whenever I make a joke or say something silly, she'll often reply with, "Oh come on that's so immature of you", as a counter to my original "criticism" that she lacks a little maturity and that I hate when she sulks.

 

A long winded of saying: have you found maturity to be a big issue in your relationships with Chinese, and if so, how did you deal with it?

 

Could be a cultural thing for all I know...

11 years 30 weeks ago in  Relationships - China

 
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I see your problem and I understand what you are saying, I can also see Xpat.John's point which is a valid one. My only point is that in the 'west' we often bemoan how our children are forced to grow up too early, China doesn't have this, yet. So to every upside there is often a downside, or of course vice versa.

 

Personally for me it would be an issue, but then I was raised in the 'west' with our preconceived ideas about what is mature and when it is appropriate, (or inappropriate). Can you adapt, or will it drive you crazy? Can she adapt? Those are probably questions only you and she can know the answer to.

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11 years 30 weeks ago
 
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A lot of girls here are brought up to believe that acting like a spoiled child is cute.  And as a result, 26 is the new 13.

 

For me, acting like a kid is a deal breaker in a relationship.  Thankfully there are women (not girls) out there that can act rationally, at least from time to time.  ;)

 

Your girl may mature with age, but then she may not.  Is it worth putting up with for the rest of your life?

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11 years 30 weeks ago
 
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I see your problem and I understand what you are saying, I can also see Xpat.John's point which is a valid one. My only point is that in the 'west' we often bemoan how our children are forced to grow up too early, China doesn't have this, yet. So to every upside there is often a downside, or of course vice versa.

 

Personally for me it would be an issue, but then I was raised in the 'west' with our preconceived ideas about what is mature and when it is appropriate, (or inappropriate). Can you adapt, or will it drive you crazy? Can she adapt? Those are probably questions only you and she can know the answer to.

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11 years 30 weeks ago
 
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  Sadly I think this behaviour is a product of those women/girls growing up in such a patriarchal society where women are not truly respected as equals. As a result a girl who wants to receive her father's affections is more likely to play up the coquetish, cutesy-pie bit that charmed him as a child, well into her late twenties. My wife did it when we met. I beat it out of her with my wife beating kit.

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11 years 30 weeks ago
 
Posts: 461

Shifu

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Try to explain her the issue and see if she can understand this.

 

My wife too was like that when I met her. Little by little she changed by living with me as I tried to make her see the big ocean of the world and not only the Chinese little perspective of the world.

 

Later when we had a child, I kept her family mentality and habits far from our home, so that she has to learn to cope with a baby together with me only. She used to complain, but now, when she sees her friends that can't even change their baby's diapers without the help of their mother or ayi, she laugh at them.

 

She may change a little, but the only way for her to become a mature woman, it's to go back to your country with her. She will certainly know what it means hard life and having to do all by yourself without ayi, etc.

 

However, don't expect a radical change.....before she turns 40...

 

It's a hard choice to make......and not an easy one.

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11 years 30 weeks ago
 
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omg... You've literally just described my girlfriend.

I know exactly how you feel. Been there with my girlfriend of two years. She used to act like that but she started to gradually change after spending a lot of time with my foreigner friends who are couples. She saw how silly it was to throw temper tantrums and childish mood swings in light of these couples where the girls are so self-assured, independent and mature.
Of course, it hasn't completely left her system. She occasionally sa jiaos me or finds random reasons to get angry at me. But it's getting better.

As the previous posters have said, it's mainly because of their upbringing that they act like that.Justlook at they way the girls on all these Chinese and Korean soaps act. Real TV babies. This is what these girls grow up watching and end up believing girls should act tis way to get attention and be loved.

Your best solution is to expose her as much as possible to other couples where the women are relatively independent and mature.Experience is the best teacher.
If you really love her, stay with her. This behavior changes with time and patience.

But make sure you also take a firm stand with her and don't suck up to her sulking and complaining. If you give in everytime  she acts immature, then don't espect much change.

GuilinRaf:

Great idea! Positive role models! Darn, I wish I had thought of that instead!

11 years 30 weeks ago
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xinyuren:

Good answer.  My experience is very much the same.  Show her the woman you expect her to be and eventually she will improve.  For some reason (control), Chinese men like their women to be like babies so these women are acting out what they have learned is acceptable and even preferred by society.  Above all, do not give in or cater to these devices.  Good advice.

11 years 30 weeks ago
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11 years 30 weeks ago
 
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Well, I would say such phenomenon is somehow cultivated by the Chinese men. I could see the Chinese boyfriends are really intimidated to those immature girls. That makes the Chinese women think that ways work.

 

Sometimes, I do think Chinese men are the best men as they would really listen and obey to their girls. haha Tongue

 

Also, Chinese men would do everything to make their angry girlfriends happy again. Such comforting, apologies, begging to their girls makes the situations go worse and worse though.

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11 years 28 weeks ago
 
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I am Catalan guy in china experiencing this same problem with my wife. First place I want to say sorry if you read a confusing english.  Though I'd like to give my contribution part.

I won't pretend to know the real true that is hidden outside there. You must take it as mere and honest opinion of what a Catalan person have been feeling thoroughly. In advance, I should sum it up with the sentence "this is epidemic and happens all around to all kinds and sorts of Chinese girls."

About the sulk, trying to draw any conjecture of all-might possible solutions from talking, dialoguing and inferring what can be in her head when is in sulk time, is having a hard time, and makes you waste yours, specially when the communication is being put later on in a battle kung-fu field (no jokes).

In the other hand, say Chinese girls are immature is not a direct way to determine they are actually immature since our conceptualization of maturity is in china a big disparity. Chinese men and women may sound immature and sometimes childish. But I don't consider it childish since Chinese people, to me, are very aware of this acting. For the girls case, I think they use it as a shell or a fast way to sweet and win you over. Going back to the sulk "technique", for this large sea of Chinese men that have no other choice than marry to a Chinese girl, when they get angry in their limited culture and unified system country, the girl must feel patient and just quiet to let the storm disperse away. To later resume it to a non conflictive state. 

I can agree with all of you saying that the sulking method of talk avoiding does not work at all on me, and I extremely HATE it because with it, comes off the lack of rights to talk that you may find in China, coexisting with the big amount of duties to carry out. Maybe, by trying to harmonize this off balance of rights and duties we can deal right way with some other problems knots that revolves around.  However, talk with you girlfriend that we have the right of speech faculty seems quite odd, when all they (girls) only know when must turn sulky, avoid conflicting starts up being immature (we cannot get angry with a child because wont never listen) and how men must to apologize oneself. Among other strategies they use to keep the relationship alive (being sexy etc).

 

Notice! There's something I should write here down to make all Americans understand that... In a serious relationship, unless you go out to chase girls, and/or arrive every night late home, you don't need to be wimpy and fall on knees to say sorry anytime, nor explain all details of your female coworkers (teachers in many cases) every time you get home. You can use the sulk mega gong fu jishu washap!

I've read some expat forums encouraging you to apologize yourself (because this made to loose face to your wife) "to later do not do it again" (WRONG! ) I really can demystify that no much Chinese men are prone to do it. They know enough about it to have a talk or enter in a normal discussion that is pretty fast dropped or dynamically consumed by other tasks.  Don't be a succumbed henpecked worm, unless you are indian superman or your brain has special skills regeneration. Either a day of meditation in the new yoga girls sallon can do it... (joking).

Good things you can get by in china, easy jobs with not bad salaries and many girls around, merged with serious relationship, it "provides you"  an hard to bear cocktail combination of constant drain off energy and headaches that makes you fall into a chronic drunk and drawn face looking, as if you suddenly became a regular contryside chinese men.

 

Wrapping up, Best take her abroad for speeding up the process. Where she will definitely has the chance to transform herself by imitation of all the attitude models and patterns of american society aspects she will meet in a sudden. You must be aware that if your wife is not young it can suppose an avoidable culture-shock, unless you have Chinese friends living near (in America where there's not Chinese ppl?) than you can regularly visit to let her get more familiar with the surroundings.

 

That's all folks!

Catalunya independet! 

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10 years 45 weeks ago
 
Posts: 194

Governor

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I always have this problem! Girls always get to know me and say, "You know, at school and at work you are so mature and smooth, but after work I swear you're like a 15 year old boy!" I just don't know what to do. All I know for sure is if these girls are right, being 31 years old... I think other 15 year olds are too far down the ladder for my interests. And, you know, they'll eventually grow up and I'll be boyish again. no

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10 years 45 weeks ago
 
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Yep. Chinese never grow up, physically and mentally.

philbravery:

and you are using yourself as an example?

7 years 30 weeks ago
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7 years 31 weeks ago
 
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