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Sign up with Google Sign up with FacebookQ: my daughter wont let me touuch her
am Nigerian and married to a Chinese. we have 2 kids boy and girl. both love me so much than their mother and mother in law living with us in Beijing. my son is 4 and daughter 2. 2 months ago mother in law took her to her hometown in zhengzhou for holidays and they back to Beijing since 3 days now but she is so scared of me and scream so loud n cry so loud whenever i wanna carry her. if she sees me she will run away to hug my mother in law fir safety as if am amonster. it hurts so deep and she is my favourite. i love her more than the brother and she love me too but after going to zhengzhou and back its a different story. am dead sad! what can i do? what is the cause? am a good dad with no fault. help
9 years 43 weeks ago in Family & Kids - Beijing
Just keep spending time with the child. Just you and the mother. NO MOTHER-IN-LAW! I have a young son and although he spends time with the parents in law sometimes I make sure he spends the most time with me and my wife. Grandparents here need to be pushed they won't back off unless you make them. You should really be telling your wife about this. You are a team and should be working together. Tell her how you are feeling and ask her to have the daughter spend more time with you. If you need to move for work consider having all your family go with you. If they can't go with you then you need to ask yourself which is more important MONEY or FAMILY? Try getting a job that allows you to spend more time with your family. I hope everything turns out ok.
it sounds like your MIL has probably spoiled and pampered your daughter to such a degree that she no longer accepts you as the first port-of-call for comfort and love.
This is how a culture of dependency is created, apart from anything else, you have no idea what prejudices your daughter has been exposed to while in your MIL's home town. (excuse me for mentioning it, but the fact that you are Nigerian raises potential racist ideas your daughter might have been exposed to)
Talk to your wife about this.
together you should present a united front when laying down the law to your MIL because it is your child, not hers.
This is how they keep control of your family.
I am reminded of a couple i know from Beijing.
they had their first child born outside China and sent their son to be raised by his mother in Beijing (her MIL).
when they returned to Beijing to live, the wife told me she had to undo all the indulging and spoiling the MIL had done.
They are your children and i'm sure your MIL is a help to you, but she must understand that you and your wife are the primary care-givers to your children.
Family are important, but not to such a degree that your responsibilities and care are undermined by someone else.
coineineagh:
wow Sorrel... do you have a kid of your own, or did you study child psychology or pediatrics?
sorrel:
@ coineineagh
no child of my own, but an extended family with many children and management experience.
PLUS 3.5 years teaching in China (all valuable for observing and learning about people)
JacobJohn:
Sorrel, the daughter is only 2 years old and she doesn't understand of prejudices and social perception and shame. Her dad is her dad, so it is impossible that the bounds at this age be broken this much, no matter how this Culture of dependency you mention is set up. We're talking about natural bounds, emotions that come out of a heart who naturally looks for the father. Judgment does not exist at such age, only emotions daily built up through love. The father speaks up of a love that it is very unlikely to be destroyed even if the one trying is the MIL. Something else has happened to her. The father has to find it out and let us know about it.
sorrel:
i agree
there is more behind this, but even 2 year-olds are very aware about the nuances of adult behavior.
i am always careful about my behavior in front of children, even as young as two years old they are like sponges to everything that is said and happens around them.
That is why in multi-lingual families, they are adept at learning languages. they might not be able to process and articulate, but they are being formed by the adult behaviour around them.
Scandinavian:
I am sure a 2 year old can be taught racial prejudice.
"Mmmm, this white ice cream sure taste better than this brown ice cream"
"Your dad smells bad because he is from Greenland"
and they will not be able to tell, especially after the nice woman (the MIL) is taking such good care of her. Stockholm Syndrome is at play here
I'll just assume we live in a free world and post links to Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kXq27eASXoo
If this post is true, you are seriously naive. You know how racist Chinese are, you know they tell themselves that foreigners are evil, vile rapists (especially blacks). They love to fill the children's heads with lies and BS to make you seem like a monster.
Don't let the in-laws have unsupervised time with your young children.
Does she behave the same to any men around you or only with you?
It sound really unlikely that a daughter changes her natural love for her dad, no matter how MIL is involved or twisted her heart against you. But if the daughter has been somehow manipulated, which again, I can't imagine it, then a time with her will show her the way back to you.
The change, however, it sounds so sudden that she may have experienced something bad while away on Holidays, that makes her reject you. This you should take in consideration and find out, what happened with her while she was with your MIL. Your wife should try to find it out.
How long time was your daughter away from you with your MIL? If it took just a week-end or even a week, it's impossible that a daughter heart be so sudden an shocking turned against you. It's impossible.
nbmlord:
From time she never allow any man near her. Infact she doesnt allow people near her esp men
JacobJohn:
In such case, she may have been abused. Find it out how and whom? It is your duty as a father to do so and let us know about it.
Now, after asking us about this, I will seriously ask you to please inquire about it, don't let it go, take all the courage needed and see if any physical abuse may have been done to her. Start with your MIL, but before, talk to your wife. As Sorrel said, it's about your kid. It is you to prove how much you love her and even if this is a wrong approach, although it doesn't look that wrong, at least you have taken in consideration the worst. Beyond it, there's nothing worst than a physical abuse. Do your duty as a father and seek answers to the situation your daughter is through.My wife is nit happy about it too and she can feel my pains too. She was away for 2 months. she calls me by name and also BABA but wont allow me touch her. my wife went to train station to pick them on arrival in Beijing and she called and told me my daughter refused her to carry her but while in taxi she changed but at the station she refused and my wife was embarrassed. My lil cutie driving me nut! I cant imagine that.
My wife is nit happy about it too and she can feel my pains too. She was away for 2 months. she calls me by name and also BABA but wont allow me touch her. my wife went to train station to pick them on arrival in Beijing and she called and told me my daughter refused her to carry her but while in taxi she changed but at the station she refused and my wife was embarrassed. My lil cutie driving me nut! I cant imagine that.
I don't want to be the one to tell you this but.... Zhengzhou is a horribly city with some very cruel people. It is on my top three list of cities I hate in China.
But by the sounds of it... (you mentioned she runs from all men) you may want to consider that a male in the family or a neighbor... has done something to the poor girl. That's the ONLY thing I can think of that may make a 2 year old instantly scared of males.
I would have her medically checked by a doctor and do a bit of research into what males may have been around during her vacation. I know it is horrible to think about... but what other explanation is there?
Another possible explanation, this was her first time away from you and she felt like you abandoned her... so now she doesn't trust you. You will have to earn back her love and trust.
Hope that helps!
You're from Nigeria. Which means you're probably black, right?
Unfortunately, your MIL may have called you a "black devil," the Chinese equivalent of the "n" word," to your daughter, and said lots of bad things about you behind your back.
Also, as everyone else said, try to find out if some man has done something to her. If they did, you know what you must do: you must find a way to kill them secretly without getting caught.
Please note: Zhengzhou is the capital of Henan province. Henan province is the AIDS capital of China! Get your daughter tested 3-4 months from the DAY she left Zhengzhou. It's possible some bastard hurt her.
If anyone hurt my daughter, I would kill their entire family in front of them, and then poke out their eyes with a hot poker so the last thing they saw/remembered was their entire family dying in front of them. Then I'd let them live long enough to commit suicide in apology. Then I'd shit on their graves!!!
JacobJohn:
I totally agree with this picture of anger and rage and will of revenge. Yes, I do! Thanks for giving him a great advice that I missed to mention it, the one about the AIDS test. He ought to do so, if he is a good father as he pretends to be. I am sure he is and I hope he thoroughly considered your advice.
I would say it's a phase. I can spend all afternoon with my 2 year old, just the two of us. Then as soon as mum turns up I get pushed away.
I agree with other posters here too though, no way would I let anyone take kids away unless the mum or me was there.
Good new my friends! I wanna thank you all for your advice and concern. I have a good news about my beloved daughter. She was allover me today. She just wont let me rest. its only daddy all day. She is really back to me. am happy again. Thanks to allof you.
sorrel:
thanks for sharing
she is your daughter and your MIL should pay attention to and respect your wishes as a parent.