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Q: How to reconnect with friends at home after living in China for years?
I've been in China for about 2 years and already find it increasingly difficult to stay close to friends back home. Whenever I go back for a visit, it gets harder to pick up from where we left because our experience and lives are so, so different. I imagine it's even more challenging for those who've spent 5-10 years in China. What are the best ways of winning your friends back, despite having lived in a totally different culture for many years?
12 years 26 weeks ago in Relationships - China
Get a VPN and use Facebook. It is a great way to just see the little daily things your friends and family are in to or up to that you miss by living far away. I couldn't live without FB. It is also a great way for them to see what you are up to everyday living in a foreign country. Post your pics and daily adventures there. They will really appreciate it.
It is difficult. They have changed and one has changed. Winter holiday of 2010 I got together with my friends for dinner, they were there with their wives and one of them asked me to "Please, no stories about China". I thought they meant in the travel or cultural sense. But when I began talking about work (teaching, students) there were the remarks "there he goes, China again...".
I have been here for nearly five years, go home only once a year so it is impossible to NOT talk about my life without mentioning China unless I am to limit myself to things that happened before September 2007. And i for one, do not like to dwell on the past.
It gets frustrating since I listen to endless stories about their kids losing their milk teeth, baby ballet, piano recital, etc. something I cannot relate to since I have no kids. We just do not have much in common anymore.
aroberts42:
That actually makes me sad. If you live and work in China, does that mean you are just not allowed to talk about your life at all? How ridiculous.
GuilinRaf:
That is pretty much the case, yes. So, those that feel that way, we have drifted away. However, there are those that do enjoy my stories. After all, just because I am "in China" does not mean that "regular things" do not happen to me (i.e. students not doing their homework, computer broke down, arrived late at a party, drycleaners ruin a suit. These are things that happen everywhere. But for some, it becomes "another Chinese story").
Before I left for China, I had 2 main groups of friends that I considered very close. Now that I am back in the US after 6 years away, one of the groups and I picked up as if I had never left. The other group... not so much.
While it is sad to lose friends, I understand that time changes people. And to be honest, it wasn't them that changed, it was me. Traveling changes you. It gives you a broader view of the world that people who haven't lived abroad have a hard time comprehending.
Unfortunately, when we choose to live in another country, or move far away from our comfort zone, the loss of friends is one of the sacrifices we make.
The good news is that your true friends will always be your true friends no matter how long you are gone.
I know that no matter what, my best friend and I can pick up wherever we left off. Well, we do talk by email, so it isn't so bad. That's really comforting to me. Whatever happens in my life, she is happy for me, and she's there for me, and I feel the same way about her. I know what kind of stuff she likes, and she knows what I like, so it's easy to buy gifts for each other. I don't know what my life would be like if I never met her. As for other friends, there are a few I still chat with on a normal basis, so it shouldn't be any problems with them either since they're pretty chill. Other people I talk to weren't close enough to begin with so I guess it doesn't matter.
If they really are your friends, you won't lose them. You still have things in common, right? If you don't have any common interests, it will be difficult to continue your friendship. Heck, that's why I'm not very close to my family. This is the most they've ever been interested in my daily life, even if I don't think it's very exciting. As strange as it sounds, coming to China has made me feel closer to my family, and hasn't weakened my friendships. However, I'm only going to be here 1-2 years tops, so I can't speak for people who stay longer.
After a while you'll get sick of looking for VPNs all the time, and lose contact with those who aren't really close to you. When I go back to France, the only people I see are my grandmother and my best friend.
Also, talking to them will be really awkward for a while.
