I'm with you on this but you will have to seriously consider whether peace at home is worth the extra 2000RMB. Sounds to me as if it might be. May I suggest you don't tell your son though? War on 2 fronts should be avoided. Worked out in Canadian dollars we are talking about $500....even though we shouldn't think that way considering we are being paid in RMB but...........it ain't a lot. (Yeah I know - there's the principle.)

Depends on how much you like your brother-in-law, how much you value your relationship with your wife and family, and how much you can afford.

I don't know your situation, but I would probably pay up, if for no other reason than 3K RMB is cheap to avoid an argument with my wife and it's not that much more than I would pay for a wedding present in the UK for a brother-in-law (if I had one).

(Yeah I know - there's the principle     thanks to both of you Hugh g and the devil guy...........my wife just cried because of my stand on this money issue, she thinks 3000Rmb is appropriate .................... I think 1000 is right and I am going to stand with that.........the amount of money is not the issue in my simple mind ..thanks guys

Hard to say my wife hates Chinese customs, even though she is Chinese. She's got a very cynical view of things like Hongbao. To be honest, I would say just give what you can afford. If they have a problem, f*ck em. 

Our entire wedding Hongbao from my wife's village was about 1,200 kuai. At our Beijing wedding we made more than 22,000 from all my laowai friends. Do I think the Laowai are better people? No. I think that different people are in different circumstances, anyone who doesn't respect that doesn't deserve your money. 

I think I'd probably side with your wife on this one.  If I had the means to pay without breaking my bank I think I would do so.  While you might be able to help your son become responsible and independent by refusing to pay his rent the same can't be said here.  Your refusing to pay the requested amount probably just ends up in loss of face (more so for your wife than you) and more complicated family issues in the future.  Usually in China people end up getting most of their money back in these cases whether its through a wedding, childbirth, graduation or whatever.  You don't really have a lot to lose and perhaps a little to gain by doing so. 

I would hold firm otherwise you are very soon going to find yourself being the Bank of Hongbao to all of your wife's very, very extended nuclear family.  You are not Chinese, although your wife may be, and you just don't have to join the fracas, whether or not you married into it.  Either you are a human being and a decent husband, or you are the cash cow for the entire family.   Sure, some Chinese families do this and yet others do not.  Once put your foot into the RMB meat grinder, you will never be able to take it out.  Either she married you for love or she married you for money and I have seen both of that here before.

BHGAL, are you aware that it isn't unusual in China to make a profit from a wedding party?

For mine I paid 6000RMB (almost 9 years ago) we had well over 100 guests and made about 1000 RMB profit on the hongbao money.

I don't think it's the amount that's the issue, just that this should be a gift and gifts aren't forced out of people, they are given according to one's means and comfort. This is not a need, it's just for a celebratory course. And if this is something that should cost him peace at home, and implying that he should pay for the sake of peace with his wife is basically him buying peace, is that what marriage is about? Buy peace? It's your money to be honest, I think that needs to be respected.

Pay what you want. He's 35 and he needs your money? Please. 

Wait a minute. What did you get when YOU got married? How much did everyone pony up? None of my business of course, but I would definitely take that into account unless you're throw-money-away rich. I believe I'm missing out on some easy cash. I think the next e-bike I buy, I'm asking for hongbao.

i agree, you shouldn't be giving that money to your b-in-law unless you absolutely want to. Your son is more important, even if you don't give him money but being capable any time he may need. 

Opportunities abound in Canada, tell your son to look after himself. I had to pay rent at home as soon as I graduated high school, a year later I moved out on my own and have paid for all of my living since then, and schooling. It is not easy, but worth it in the end.

How about you pay Half and your wife pay half? 

Fair enough I guess.

This comment is personal, because the topic itself is personal:

I just hope your wife sees you as a husband as opposed to a 'foreigner' in the Chinese connotation.

if your wife is the oldest sibling and can afford the payment, custom expects her to pay, but if the relationship is not close between them , she should not pay, tough choice i took the wedding money from my marriage and put it in a bank account to pay it back to family members in the future, lucky money , hospital bills, spring festival gifts etc. i paid the wedding dinner out of my own pocket in cash so i would not feel obligated by the red bribe envelopes, i would split the difference and give 2000. tell her confucious likes harmony and compromise.

your son more priority than your in law, talk to your wife nicely hopefully she'll understand

Here's a compromise - stick absolutely firm that you'll only give 1,000 for the brother's wedding, then find some pretext to gift your wife 2,000 in the meantime.

She'll use the money to make up the difference if it's really important to her, so she'll feel happy, almighty-face will be preserved. You will have been seen to stick to your resolution, and will have established that you're not a money machine.

Done.

What?? You have a SON??? He needs help with his rent????

Quick, tell BiL (and the rest of the family) that there's a family crisis, and THEY ALL need to contribute... pronto!!!

(now see just how much 'face' will buy!)