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Sign up with Google Sign up with FacebookQ: What's the biggest reason laowai/Chinese couples break up?
12 years 23 weeks ago in Relationships - China
It could be compatibility or other reasons such as money issues. You would have to go by a case by case basis but the reasons can vary from couple to couple. If the couple is abusive the family doesn't like the partner etc.,
I agree with Mattaya above but I would like to add one item that I have observed and that is : major and unresolved cross-cultural differences. I have seen this happen again and again and again -- expectations on one part or on the other that are just stifled by cultural impediments. Additionally, perhaps the foreign spouse cannot adjust to China in the end or the Chinese spouse cannot adjust to overseas life.
Cultural differences are an issue for sure.
But I would have to say communication issues (or lack of communication) because of language are a major reason.
No matter how well each person speaks English or Chinese there are always things lost in translation that get understood in the wrong way. This can cause no end of grief at times.
I agree with thedude. Communication is at the root of all true relationships, and sometimes, very small things, like misunderstanding one word, can lead to misunderstanding a whole idea. My wifes English is a world better than my Chinese, so we primarily talk in English. I wish this wasn't so, and I'm making efforts to learn Chinese, because, let's face it, some concepts are very hard to translate. When she finds it difficult to put thoughts into English, it would really help her if I knew her language.
One has to be extremely patient, forgiving, and show a large degree of humility from time to time. Same culture relationships are hard enough, but throw into the mix being from two cultures as different as East and West, and "Yikes!"
But, hey, I wouldn't trade her for the world!
To me there is not only one reason, but a combination of them. The Dude pointed out two already that I do consider to be main causes, but to those two I will add "priorities".
And by "priorities" I do mean that the "laowai" gets married mostly because he is really in love, while the Chinese gets married for many reasons besides "love". A desire for a better life, a desire for emigrating eventually, financial security during elder years, and yes, sometimes is "love" too, mixed with parts of the others mentioned.
Maybe in a way, "laowais" are a bit more idealistic, while locals are more "materialistically" inclined.
communication: regardless of language barriers. many locals dont beielve in being upfront and honest anbout what they want or what they are thinking. they are always trying to out smart you.
In my experience with the ladies here I've found that many Chinese girls are really childish. Most foreign men with a backbone won't tolerate it for long. No idea about the foreign girl/Chinese man couples. Lack of communication probably.
LAR:
beau,
Oh yes, the female childishness and stupidity and arrogance is sickening and SOOOOOOOOO annoying!!!!!! :( Grow the **** UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And, stop acting like a child!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( ** It's an ASIAN thing..Chinese,Koreans,Japanese,etc. REALLY PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :(
Pre-conceived expectations. Years of Hollywood and films created a mystic Chinese persona to be docile, compliant and submissive.In the most recent memory Laowai are thought to be advanced in technology, and were presumed to be well off. In reality, we are all the same human being wherever and whatever our specific circumstances are. Our human weakenesses aoemtime prevails and relationship did not go past the ifrst year honeymoon period of living together. Don't get me wrong there are many exception whether it is happening in China or in Canada. I see many inter-racial relationships blossomed. Ultimaltely it is tolerance, understanding and most of all love and a stable and comfortable financial independence of both parties that makes the difference...in my opinion.
I am back in the States for the Chinese New Year, and brought up this topic to the wife of a friend of mine who is a marriage counselor. This is what she told me:
Many mixed marriages are succesful precisely because the couple know that there will be problems in the future so they are "bracd" to deal with them with the result being that they end up being more patient and communicate more before "blowing up". Same culture couples, often because they are of the same culture subcoucioulsy assume that their mate "knows or should know" what is on their mind and as such do not communicate clearly.
Her bottom line is that in order to have a succesful marriage/partnership you need clear communication, patience and respect no matter who or where the couple comes from.
Some relationships go well, until you find out the girl's already married!
Chinese women lack patience and have only idealistic thoughts, they do not think outside of what they can get their hands on. PERIOD
When she finds out that the I-Pad you got her was really a clone!
From my Experience they get sick of have to use a wheelchair every morning because of ever night.
Easy , Mothers - in - Law 99% seems to be from what I have been told , telling their daughter in law , what wonderful son she has and that she is not looking after him well enough
good question!
the reason is: the foreign man doesn't love the Chinese girlfriend/wife enough--"he is just not that into her". (i don't know the case for foreign woman & Chinese man)
because all my foreign friends & customers (men) who marry Chinese(women) are located in the women's hometown or living city. and, e.g. a man quitted everything in his home country(Holland ),he has 6 sisters and no brothers. but he still came to China and married his Hangzhou wife......sometimes he complained this and that about the wife to his friends also, but he still can tolerate and stand all of the "culture differences""language obstacles" ,etc .so they married for 3 years,and now his wife is pregnant and everything runs better and better...
therefore, i think, the couple break up, because the man doesn't love the woman enough,otherwise, he will always find her!
LAR:
Just blaming foreign men is asinine. Your answer is ridiculous and prejudiced.
-As the relationship progressed my gf was taking more and more control over my life, first I had to stop talking to one girl (former student was a friend), then she started changing my diet, decided I should cook at home and not eat out so much, and finally insisted I put the xbox away.
-Well, when she came back from a visit from her family, she suggested I ask my dad for money to buy a 500,000RMB apartment. I knew our relationship was doomed.
emilychen:
hi ! i understand the actions from your Chinese gf.
"first I had to stop talking to one girl (former student was a friend)"--because we are jealous. even me, i don't like it ,too.
" then she started changing my diet, decided I should cook at home and not eat out so much, and finally insisted I put the xbox away."--i also think this makes sense,for me, i normally cook at home, because there are 2 reasons,1st, i know what i put in my dish. 2nd, for my future,when i have babies, i cannot let my babies to eat outside always. so i guess ur gf is also a home-oriented girl.
"Well, when she came back from a visit from her family, she suggested I ask my dad for money to buy a 500,000RMB apartment"----this is also right! because she wants to live with you ! probably she wants to marry you,and she is thinking about your future,isn't it ? if you love her, why not make a good plan with her? just for me, i will consider about the money to pay apartment,maybe GO DUTCH!
all the things your gf did are reasonable from my side. all because she wants you! so,if you don't love her, then probably the right time to 88 !
rasklnik:
-The reason this is unfair, is that these RULES are not there at the start. They come up over time. For example, imagine if I had said "You must let me sleep with other girls" or "You must eat cheese" or "You must go to America and meet my family and ask your father for money. As a relationship progresses you shouldn't keep expecting the other person to do MORE for YOU while you do the same."
Hakupatasa:
Mine also said I might be having affair with another girl (on chat as that girl lives absolutee far away). I understood her and I stopped chatting with that girl. I even deleted her contact from QQ as it was not necessary for me if i have someone closer to chat.
About diet: Gosh!! I have to tell her about diet control. I used to take her out for dinner but after couple my cooking she prefer to eat at home. Bad cooking oil, unhealthy kitchen, we discussed about it and we eat at home. I am happy to cook at home even if i a single. I have been doing it for many years. It saves my money, and it protects my health. At least I can be confident eating at home rather than eating out.
About buying a house; well she tells me that I have to buy a house at the time we marry. I understand it. If the society is like that then I can't change overnight. Well, it is not bad either to have a house, at least for me. Actually, it was me who ask more about prices of house with her because i consider it as an investment.
In my view, we should always take things in negative way. If we really want to be with a woman we love, we might give a try to find a positive points (lets see how long we can stretch...........)
Usually, when a girl starts to think about long term relationship, it is obvious to face the situation that you are facing now. Save Money, Have a roof.
danielmarino:
Nooo!!! Not the XBox!!!!!!!!!!!! That is certainly crossing limits.
laowai spend money on beer and food no care family or gilrfriend
danielmarino:
Laowai cares about love...chinese girl cares about...money
tomcatflyer:
This is the second reply to you today Lisa, both times to tell you not to be so stupid. If you think you know all about laowai and how terrible we all are why are you even looking at this website. do yourself a favour go and find some laowai to actually talk to and you may just find we are all different. Most of us are fine but there are one or two bad examples out there. On that point how many married Chinese men are there doing the dirty behind their wive's back. Chinese are a long way from perfect you know.
LAR:
Chinese women waste money on the latest cell phones,I-pad,I-phone,etc.,various unnecessary trinkets and very expensive jewelry,clothing,shoes,etc.
WenDz:
hahahahha, you guys are hilarious, but sooooooo true!
Beers and Saturday games rocks!! baseball, basketball, rugby - ugh!! miss that already!!
Dont think the girls understand that, or they ever will, which is a shame
they say its cultural differences, they prefer their Chinese guys more than foreigners.
I thinks its because they ask too much and we give too little or we cannot agree with their norms so disagreements and misunderstanding repeated in a relationship constantly cannot work and eventually break out.
they say its cultural differences, they prefer their Chinese guys more than foreigners.
I thinks its because they ask too much and we give too little or we cannot agree with their norms so disagreements and misunderstanding repeated in a relationship constantly cannot work and eventually break out.
Well from what I can see a lot of Chinese/foreigner relationships start online, including courtship, and the time spent to actually discover whether they are compatible is reduced to MSN time and much smiley facing. Hardly the grounding for a meaningful coupling of souls. We all need to get laid though, right?
Dating a Jekyll and Hyde girl wont help with mood swings. When The Chinese partner does not realize you will not tolerate there BS. Western's date for love and not as a business arrangement. This is not the case for everyone though as my Chinese girlfriend is "normal" maybe been abroad to study and have her eyes open to the world.
The language barrier and cultural differences seem to be the biggest problems.