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Q: would a single chinese lady choose a happy marriage over wanting a child?
ok, I know Chinese culture its expected the single lady is supposed to marry before the age of 28 to not be a leftover And producing a grandkid for her parents if she is the only kid But isin't it not as much a requirement now as much as it once was? Because Chinese women are more picky or careful now of whom she chooses and becomes financially secure with a successful career even if she will be a leftover So, if she found a foreign man much older would she choose marrying him to be happy and loved ending her loneliness over wanting kids and her parents are open and don't demand of her to give them a grand kid? This is a simple question I am curious so don't make it more complicated thanks
i know this comment won't be popular, but so be it.
It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that this woman loves you without having actually met her or, by your own admission having even seen her.
And it increasingly sounds like that all this girl wants is a green-card marriage for the purpose of herself and her family leaving China.
Her telling you that she doesn't want a child sounds like she is just saying this because she thinks it is what you want to hear from her.
I don't for a moment believe that she won't want a child at some point and use this as a reason to divorce you once she gets her green card.
I know it sounds cynical, but if you have spent any amount of time China, you will know that you will be BS'd into the middle of next year if the locals think it is to their advantage, and then think they are so smart putting one over on a naive foreigner.
while there are a lot of guys on this site who have married Chinese women and are happy, most will probably have had at least one Chinese gf who turned out to be unsuitable for one reason or another, and learnt from this experience to find the gem they married.
there are so many holes in what you have posted online that makes it probable that you are being BS'd.
cub:
thanks for the info But when she meets me in my country do u think im going to be cautious seeing how she acts talks toward me? yes, im not going to be persuaded easily or fooled into rushing things! No im not desparate but i will be cautious and on my guard! when i see or hear anything not matching up to what she has told me then going to china with her i wont do! I With this info u give me it prepares me for this so im learning new things gaining knowlege
cub:
sorrel whats the big deal about a green card? it takes 3 years after she marries a foreigner to be approved for a green card and another year of waiting to get to move to my country going through all the requirements the red tape 1000s of dollars she pays for all the necessary papers and the year wait time if she is aproved And why leave her business even when still can run it in my country making 100K a year for a new life and country, when she doesnt have to and all this for a green card? besides it takes years to bring her parents to my country to live and they wont leave their business any way! so if she has a sucessful career a business doing well is financially well off why disrupt all this just because she wants a green card? She could had moved to my country getting a green card before meeting me if she had wanted to by now! The fees visas to move here immigration requires she pays for not me!
DaphneNJ:
Think about how it will look to the officials at the US embassy. A 50 year-old disabled man on benefits who met his 20 something business lady bride on the Internet. So many red flags. I doubt she will even be approved for a visa.
cub:
daphne, but what if the US embassy see im married to her by then and immigration will see what her income is and thats the most important item requirement they look at ok? and no, i met and married her in china, im married to her she is my wife she met me before all this in my country All they see and care is about her income, that she wont be a financial burden and we are married now
I suppose it's possible, but I don't think it's very likely.
Marriage has always been a package deal here... house, kids and everything that goes with that. In China people get married and have kid/s, that's how marriage is done and always has been, there's purpose to it.
I really think most people would say why get married if you won't have kids to provide for you when you're old - that's the purpose of marriage after all.
cub:
I thought marriage was because 2 people loved each other and was tired of being lonely and alone? As for the having kids because to provide for old age sure, in china I know this is the case but she wants to move to my country after we marry where we have a retirement system by my government to take care of us! Besides she and her parents are aware im unable to give her kids! Thanks for your decent mature reply/answer without judging me!
ambivalentmace:
the child is the last homework assignment to be given to her parents, they dont think of it as as 18 year prison sentence, they actually think it is the only purpose of living, perhaps a lady who has studied and travelled in the west could be persuaded otherwise, but many parents are not getting their homework assignment these days, and that's a damn good thing.
Stiggs:
Well I obviously can't speak for everyone in China, and if she's looking to go to the U.S then maybe she thinks a lot differently than the average person here.
I do think that she would be a rare case though, it's what marriage is to the Chinese. Two people shacking up to make a family etc, often love isn't much of a consideration, if at all.
cub:
again stiggs as i said she and her parents are well aware and ok that im unable to give her any kids ok? its no secret Love isn't a part of a marriage in the relationships in china? That makes a cold unfeeling marriage doesnt it?
Stiggs:
I wasn't commenting on your specific situation, like I said, if she's already looking to do it she probably thinks a little more out of the box than is usual here. I was commenting on Chinese culture in general which I thought was the question.
If a young girl said to you not having children is ok, something is seriously suspect.
cub:
dokken,do u mean she wants to be forced by her parents to have a baby after we marry? Maybe she is more open and she doesnt want to be a baby factory! What if she dont really want any kids? Admit it there has to be women in china that are like this!
dokken:
Perhaps but I think they are few and far between. I think it is not a question her being Chinese has any bearing. The only difference is that Chinese parents are a bit more pushy about grandchildren
cub:
is it because they want a grand kid to continue on the family name or to help have future support after they are too old to work or they retire so they can be taken care of? but what if they are financially well off and income isnt a concern?
dokken:
I think well off parents want grandchildren too. Many coming to china pretend it is a different universe. They do this so they can justify doing whatever they want to do.Why would the social norms be any different?
I think by 'happy' marriage, you mean one that can provide face. That is how happiness is quantified here. The face loss of being childless must be less significant than than the level of acceptance a marriage gives. It depends on her peers and family. If they accept a man married without bringing children, then so will the woman. If children are of primary importance irrespective of details, then that is what she will say too.
Money provides the most face, here. If children aren't seen as reliable pensions, their importance wanes.
i know this comment won't be popular, but so be it.
It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that this woman loves you without having actually met her or, by your own admission having even seen her.
And it increasingly sounds like that all this girl wants is a green-card marriage for the purpose of herself and her family leaving China.
Her telling you that she doesn't want a child sounds like she is just saying this because she thinks it is what you want to hear from her.
I don't for a moment believe that she won't want a child at some point and use this as a reason to divorce you once she gets her green card.
I know it sounds cynical, but if you have spent any amount of time China, you will know that you will be BS'd into the middle of next year if the locals think it is to their advantage, and then think they are so smart putting one over on a naive foreigner.
while there are a lot of guys on this site who have married Chinese women and are happy, most will probably have had at least one Chinese gf who turned out to be unsuitable for one reason or another, and learnt from this experience to find the gem they married.
there are so many holes in what you have posted online that makes it probable that you are being BS'd.
cub:
thanks for the info But when she meets me in my country do u think im going to be cautious seeing how she acts talks toward me? yes, im not going to be persuaded easily or fooled into rushing things! No im not desparate but i will be cautious and on my guard! when i see or hear anything not matching up to what she has told me then going to china with her i wont do! I With this info u give me it prepares me for this so im learning new things gaining knowlege
cub:
sorrel whats the big deal about a green card? it takes 3 years after she marries a foreigner to be approved for a green card and another year of waiting to get to move to my country going through all the requirements the red tape 1000s of dollars she pays for all the necessary papers and the year wait time if she is aproved And why leave her business even when still can run it in my country making 100K a year for a new life and country, when she doesnt have to and all this for a green card? besides it takes years to bring her parents to my country to live and they wont leave their business any way! so if she has a sucessful career a business doing well is financially well off why disrupt all this just because she wants a green card? She could had moved to my country getting a green card before meeting me if she had wanted to by now! The fees visas to move here immigration requires she pays for not me!
DaphneNJ:
Think about how it will look to the officials at the US embassy. A 50 year-old disabled man on benefits who met his 20 something business lady bride on the Internet. So many red flags. I doubt she will even be approved for a visa.
cub:
daphne, but what if the US embassy see im married to her by then and immigration will see what her income is and thats the most important item requirement they look at ok? and no, i met and married her in china, im married to her she is my wife she met me before all this in my country All they see and care is about her income, that she wont be a financial burden and we are married now
I don't get your question. Why would there be conflicts between happy marriage and wanting a child? If I have a happy marriage I'll make not only one but lots of kids with my husband. 
I will only consider to not to have a child if I think I will divorce my husband and try to avoid further trouble.
So...do you mean...would a single Chinese lady choose an UNHAPPY marriage over wanting a child? because that makes a lot more sense.
Your clear answer: No. Not unless she felt she didn't have any better options. Let me give you some advice in your case: Look out for the other shoe. It will drop on you soon. You say this girl is successful business woman? You are much older and have some sort of disabilty? You aren't rich? You have never seen each other face to face? Do I have the facts straight? If so, then there is a definite reason why she is pursuing this relationship and it certainly isn't to your advantage. This would be so in any universe, but especially so for China. Ask yourself a few questions,
1. Why would a girl with so many options and advantages choose you, sight unseen? Are you a Don Juan behind the keyboard? It makes no sense. No offense, but it doesn't add up. Don't get too emotionally attached to this one. You really don't know China.
2. How do you know she runs a successful business? Because she told you so? Question everything you hear from Chinese people. They aren't known for their forthrightness or honesty.
Whether or not she has progressive thinking parents, all parents want their children to make decisions that will give them advantages. This is especially true in China. 3: What advantage does she gain (given her current status) from marrying you? The only one I can see is a green card. Bingo.
I don't mean to offend you, but I'm giving it to you straight. Unless there is something I'm missing, this won't have a happy ending.
Don't think in term of generalities "Chinese women are like this, Chinese women are like that" to make major life decision. It's like saying all USA women are, I don't know, looking to have ginger kids. Of course, USA women are very, very diverse. Same with Chinese women. Some are smart, kind, with a morality and a spine, some are not interested into having kids, some want 3 of them with a dog and a cat, some are very materialistic, some live through their personal passion, etc.
Get your ass to China, meet the girl for real, spend time with her (months, not just a couple of days) and get to know each other, go through nice times and difficult situations together. Then you'll see in what you are getting into. There's no shortcut to that. It's not hard to be in China and get a job to feed yourself, so just do it, damn it !
xinyuren:
"Get your ass to China".... LOL, I just had a Total Recall.
On the chance you're real, I'll be blunt:
Chinese people are not even close to open minded about disabilities. You have no idea how difficult it will be to get around in China. It's about the least handicapped-friendly place I've ever been. Your in-laws will suffer a massive loss of face by having their daughter marry a disabled man who is also poor. Don't ever underestimate the importance of face in China. There are only two reasons they'd be willing to allow this.
1) Something about the girl makes her chances of getting married to anyone else zero. It will be very bad, for example, serious mental illness, she's 500 pounds or has a severe facial deformity or she is also disabled. You are literally the last option.
2) ulterior motives. Green card scam is only one possibility. Their family business could be shady. Who knows what they want to export to the U.S.?! So, they're willing to show you the books. How will you read them? I know! They can translate them for you! (while faking them to show anything they want.) There are darker possibilities, too. They could be outright criminals looking for a fall guy or even worse. I hope you don't have a life insurance policy or real estate. There are some people in China who spend all day coming up with devious and evil schemes, things you wouldn't even consider.
You seem to have this fantasy that all Chinese women are "slaves" who would be so grateful to get away from the evil, oppressive Chinese men. The reality is not that simple. Are you aware that most Chinese men hand over their salaries to their wives? She'll likely expect you to do the same. The fact that your monthly income is low doesn't matter. She'll have financial control.
cub:
sorry daphne, i have no ''fantasy'' that chinese women are desperate or are''slaves'' wanting to leave opressive chinese men! but to leave a oppressive country like china sure they want to!
sorrel:
@cub
by your own admission you have never been to China, and your contact has been limited to one 'woman' (i use this word advisedly as she appears to be shy about revealing herself to you) whose face you have not even seen.
Most of us who post on this site have spent some time (years) living and working in China.
Opinions are based on years of experience, and yours seems to be, by your own admission, limited to one person who may or may not be genuine, and who you would not recognize if she passed you in the street.
This advice is kindly meant, even if it does not fit in with your limited experience of China.
no-one can stop you being scammed, if you choose to ignore all the obvious warning signs that are screaming at all the other posters.
cub:
sorrel no, i have chatted with many more chinese ladies other than the one u know of ranging in ages from 23 to 49 ok? n o, they are not all the same different back grounds education income social status been doing this for quite some time i am learning new things I am cautious careful so chatting with a variety of chinese women varies a lot! dont try to read into this any more than what i have said ok? and all warnings advice from other posts here I do listen to including yours! thanks
You know what 99% of green card scammers do?
They refuse to give you a child. If they aren't willing to give you children, 9 out of 10 times, they don't care about you. To many Chinese, children are merely tickets to being cared for during their old age. They're after the green card/passport. If they talk about money a lot, they're after the green card / passport.
This happens so often. Some guy brings over a Chinese woman, and she's on birth control/forces her man to use condoms. Once her green card conditions are lifted, she disappears.
These 2 are a great limitus test for finding a spouse:
- If they say they don't want children, 9 out of 10 times they do, just not with you.
- If they talk about money a lot, they care more about that than you.
And I 100% agree with DrMonkey.
cub:
hulk its i who tell them i dont want kids i dont force them its their choice to say they want kids and the relationship is over or say its ok they respect my decision And about money she rarely says anything about money and when she does its only when i bring t up! Do u know my government immigration requires her to show and prove her income? they will check into her finances her income and if she is lying being dishonest or exaggerating her income they wont approve of her a visa to marry ok? And im sure they are very thorough about looking
Hulk:
Wait.
You don't want kids, but you want a Chinese woman?
Hang on a minute there. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAA
cub:
your cynical humor is refreshing hulk! im happy u see life and living on the dark side! ask a question and kicked around! thanks for u personaly know all and every millions of chinese women in china! nice to know u hoar around and are a expert ok? answer me back and adm will hear from me not a threat but a promise! no wonder not many new commers want to be on this site! with friends like u hulk who needs enemies no matter what country u are from?
Hulk:
Relax, brah. I'm not kicking you around.
But seriously, never deny a Chinese woman a child. That's everything to them. If she's willing to give you a child she really wants to be with you. You may have found yourself a gem.
Please consider the needs of your partner, rather than your own needs. I haven't actually read the rest of the thread, but I apologize if I made any incorrect assumptions.
cub:
thanks hulk but what if im unable to give her a child and she knows this then what? end of relationship? end of story? all i know that sometimes in life the past or future we cant controll the outcome! Hulk, if u were 50 years old would u want to have a kid if u were that age?
Hulk:
Ah, my apologies.
Well, if you weren't physically able to give her a child, then that's no fault of your own. It's still quite possible to find a woman. Why not go for an older widow, or something?
If you find a young woman willing to be with you in spite of the fact that you can't physically give her a child, then more power to you. I'd say go for it.
But if you don't want children, you're going to have a tough time unless she's older. Yes, if I were 50, I'd still father a child. One of my best friends was born to a 55 year old guy or something like that.
